


"What Is This, a Crossover Episode?"

by Justphoenix



Category: BoJack Horseman, The Americans (TV 2013)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 03:33:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16925691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justphoenix/pseuds/Justphoenix
Summary: As the Soviet Union crumbles, Claudia wonders about her future. Then she meets an obnoxious, drunk horse.





	"What Is This, a Crossover Episode?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly me being silly. Enjoy!

October 1991  
Moscow, Russia

Claudia sipped her beer at the bar, her fourth of the night. She hadn’t had this much to drink in ages, but there was so much she didn’t want to think about right now.

The coup to oust Gorbachev had failed. The country she had fought to protect for the last thirty years was gone. She was officially in hiding, though she wasn’t a major target. Most of her friends had left the country. Her family was dead. What was she going to do next?

She was jostled out of her thoughts with a loud voice in English saying “Hey! Can I get a…beer? Beer-o? Brew-ski? Hey! Over here! Don’t you know who I am?!”

She looked to her left and saw a large, talking horse. 

She rubbed her eyes. She must be drunker than she thought. There was a large, brown, upright, talking horse in the bar. He wore a sweater with apples. He kept hollering at the bartender, who seemed to be deliberately ignoring him, and he was getting louder and louder.

Claudia walked over. Mostly, she wanted the stupid horse to shut up. “I’ll order for you. What do you want?”

“Oh good, finally some service.” He said “What do you recommend?”

She summoned the bartender. She ordered for him in Russian, who brought over the horse’s drink. 

“Thanks” he said. He knocked back the beer in two gulps. “Your English is good.”

“I spent some time abroad.” She told him. “You’re American?” Were the bars about to be infested with Americans? American talking horses?

“Yeah. You don’t know me?” he looked at her quizzically.

“Nope.” 

“I’m Bojack Horseman. The star of _Horsin’ Around_? ‘Three little orphans count ‘em one, two three…’” he sang.

“Never heard of it.” She hadn’t watched much American media. There were a few things she liked. _Magnum, PI. Mork and Mindy._ The _Superman_ movies. She had a soft spot for Superman and Lois Lane’s relationship. 

“Are you sure you never watched it when you were abroad? We’re regularly in the Nielsen Top 5.” Bojack looked expectedly.

“Nope, never.” She hailed the bartender for more drinks.

“Well, our show is coming to Russia. That’s why I’m here. We’re doing a press tour.”

“If you’re a big American TV star, what are you doing in this bar?” she asked. It was a pretty dank place. “Shouldn’t you be at a nice hotel or something?”

“I only came in here to get a Moscow Mule. But she wasn’t interested.” He gestured to an upright mule in a red dress at one of the back tables. The bartender brought more beers. “This is perfect. I’ll leave you a good tip.”

“I don’t work here” she said coldly. 

“Then what do you do?” he asked.

“Nothing, now.” She wasn’t sure why she was opening up to this horse. Maybe it was the many beers. “I had a job for many years working for my country. I thought I’d do it for the rest of my life. Now it’s finished.”

“That sucks.” Bojack said. “Can you get another one?”

“No, I really can’t.” Was this goddamn horse oblivious to world events? Or just drunk? “I don’t think the current people in charge would approve of me.”

His expression darkened “Yeah, I know a thing or two about that, actually. The people in charge of me…or were in charge…don’t approve of me either.” He was silent for a moment, then asked, “Could you do something else?”

“Like what?”

“You could be an actor.” Bojack said. “We had someone that looked like you on _Horsin’ Around_ two seasons ago. She was the kids’ grandmother and wanted to adopt them. The Horse went to court to have her declared legally dead so he could keep them.” He smiled big. 

An actor. Claudia hadn’t thought of that. She’d been playing characters for decades. She was highly convincing. She could be an actor. “Isn’t that more for young starlets?”

“Not always. There’s lots of roles for things like commercials, and character actors. You could be one of those.” He knocked back the rest of his beer. “Come to Hollywood. It’s great. It’s warm and sunny all the time. Not like here. God, this place is depressing.”

Ignoring the insult to her country, Claudia grimaced. Back to America? Leave her home again? She’d finally gotten out of there. On the other hand, she’d be safe from any government officials taking action from her role in the coup. Plus, did it really make a difference where she lived, now that her country was no more? “I’ll do it. I’ll go to Hollywood.”

“Cool. Look me up when you get there.” He smiled. “By the way…I didn’t get your name.”

She thought on her feet. What was the name of the actress that played Lois again? “Margo.” She said. “Margo…Martindale.”

He shook her hand “Pleased to meet you, Margo Martindale.” He opened his mouth to ask her something else, but a man came running up to him “Bojack, we gotta go. Joelle got caught shoplifting and Herb is furious. Weren’t you supposed to be with her?”

“Oh shit, yeah, I was.” He smacked his head. “Listen, I gotta go. But one parting word of advice.”

“Yes?” Actor insider knowledge?

“ _Mr. Peanut Butter’s House_ will probably do a tour here, because they copy everything we do. Don’t watch his show. It’s terrible. Bye!” he called over his shoulder as his handler pulled him away.

Claudia stared into her glass. She wondered if she’d remember any of this conversation in the morning. But for now, she was a little more optimistic.


End file.
